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この 作品 は クリエイティブ・コモンズ 表示 - 非営利 - 継承 3.0 非移植 ライセンスの下に提供されています。

Usually she was Haruhiko, and sometimes was Haruhi, especially in holidays. She wanted to be Haruhieveryday but the wish was not accepted; they didn't grant her desire. Who are they? You know them. Theanswer was fundamental for people and their society, not only primitive cultures but also advanced ones. The rootwas values, which everybody had, and surroundings and communities shared.

Haruhiko lived in a student dormitory for boys and her room was for single with a bed, a desk, a bookshelfas tall as Haruhiko; the furniture was made by oak. Now there were many books around there, textbooks on thehalf of the top shelf, paperbacks on other spaces of the bookshelf, and stacks of hardbacks on the edge of thedesktop and the mattress. Most books were novels: Ernest Hemingway, Ursula K. Le Guin, Lev NikolayevichTolstoy, William Golding, Kazuo Ishiguro, Tanigawa Nagaru, Murakami Haruki, Dan Brown, for instance.

Surrounded in the metropolis of literary luminaries, Haruhiko was Haruhi, putting on a pale blue one-piece withbold lace ribbon, which was sewed on the waist of the garment, just like a belt binding her. She was standing onthe center and looked as though she was brooding over something. Yes, thinking. She had a big risky decision.She grasped a breast of the cloth.

In Sunday. Haruhi tried to be Haruhi in the school where every student and teacher were possible to witnessher.

When the anguish began, she was an elementary student. In the first homeroom, students introduced theirnames, favorites, and nicknames they want them to be called and so on. Of course Haruhiko did too. Namewas Haruhiko; the favorite was tales, and the hoping nickname Haruhi. She was already aware of the namedroppingkando, even an inside uncomfortable feeling; but she didn't know what the sense was. Haruhikobelieved that Haruhi was the real and for some reason she had to be called Haruhiko. She saying "please call meHaruhi", all classmates clapped the hands. She sat down, with smiling.

At the outset of her school life Haruhiko had smooth sailing. The children and their teacher called her Haruhi,enjoyed themselves by playing tag, soccer, basketball, or dodge ball, and did not discriminate. But she was rarethat played with boys. She was particularly on terms with girls. She used to talk with girls, mingling together,enclosing one of their desks, sometimes Haruhiko's desk. They chatted about homework and classwork,yesterday TV programs and video games, and pokemon and comics. The chitchat was more enjoyable thanplaying sports.

The class boys were displeased with the penchant. He seemed to differ to us; a boy guessed, his friend alsoagreed with, a friend of his friend too accepted...... then they had a common notion, which Haruhiko and Haruhiwas so effeminate and different to us that he must be their enemy and should be expelled.

The first incident happened in a break. At that day Haruhiko was on day duty and was asked by the teacherto bring two sorts of prints for student from the faculty room to the classroom. So she did another boy on dayduty to take them together. The boy answered nothing, turned his face away, and joined boy's talk. Haruhikotried to ask him again, but the attempt got failure; they escaped from her, like magnetic repulsion.

That persecution was a simple trigger and the situation became worse. Haruhiko was regarded as air. Everyclassmate behaved as if they couldn't have seen the girlish boy, have heard the voice, and have felt the touch.

Gradually they became to be able to see and touch Haruhiko, but their behaviors got strange. As having aneye contact each other, boy approached her and used abusive language and girls turned their backs on her,smiled together, and studiedly talked about slanders. No one made a space to join the gabs; all groups in theclass seemed to want not to add her into the rings of the friendships.

Haruhiko was in a lone island. Not only did boy hate her but also girls, who had been used to enjoy talkingand have smiles to. But now, the smiles casting at Haruhiko were faded away and the spots she could standbetween them also disappeared. There was no whereabouts for the unisex person.

If Haruhiko didn't have her place in school, some people might say, she should yearn her refuge toward thehome. In fact, she did; she came out her sexuality to the parents when she understood the difference betweenherself and other people.I think I am girl but the body is boy, and all classmates say nasty things aboutme― Every boy kick and beat me, everybody hates me―She complained to the mother and the father,flowed tears ceaselessly, and knocked a table many times, distorting the face with suffering of the bullying.

Father then got furious; with both hands he thrashed the table on the opposite to her, and roared in a voice ofthunder, scattering his spittle. "You male, aren't you? You aren't female, eh? You had better be manly, not be girl-like."

"But," Haruhiko replied, "It's natural to be girl, and to be boy is accompanied by pain"

Father punched her in the face. "Idiot! No effeminate behaviors permit! Because you have a weak mentalityso you think you're girl."


"Pipe down!" Father spoke in an angrier tone. "You have to get a strong heart and to be manly, absolutely!You're a coward so you are bullied. Be strong; never think you might be a girl!" He threw his fists at the top andleft the table, sounding his frustrating footsteps.

On the other hand, her mother remained sitting on a chair, dropping her gaze beneath, like averting her eyesfrom her, showing depressed face. She kept her mouth firmly shut, and wouldn't break the ice.

"Mom," Haruhiko tore the silence. "Do you understand my wish? I wanna be girl; I can't think I am boy. Idon't like to do boyish activities and like to draw illustrations and read books." She poked her arms at the tableand leaned forward to her. "I want to be on girlish cloths and spend my life as woman, and......"

"Anyway," mother broke off her words, "please don't do ashamed acts, for our family."

"What are the ashamed actions?"

"You are my son, not daughter. Don't say such a thing in public. Though I don't intend to speak badly of yourhope, you should not say it outside."


"I'm," said she, in a grieving voice, "ashamed of you." Mother lifted up her hip from the chair silently andwalked behind the chair toward a door of the room and disappeared he shape into a corridor.

As you know, Haruhiko had no place to set her mind at ease even in home. The parents didn't approvewhat special she was, and the class didn't come in on her side. She wanted not to go to the school because ofmany threats awaiting her and not to go back home with refusal. She had no choice; literally there were noalternatives she could choose. As she didn't have the selectable way thus she had to create a new selection ofbeing able to spend the life: to be only her wherever she existed.

Everyday Haruhiko attended school and also returned home. She did her routine: got up, ate breakfast,studied arithmetic and science, had lunch, dined, read, and got in bed. However, without speaking. She remainedsilent while awaking. Since then she became an avid reader, thought about short stories, got deeply involved infictitious world and decided: I never trust human being, only believe myself. She refused her surrounding people onher own will.

Nevertheless still oppressed, Haruhiko spent her day as if nothing had happened. If a girl spoke insultingly, shedidn't change the face, and if a boy hit, slapped, and kicked, she never reacted to their actions, even tears. Shethrew away not only the mouth but also the emotions.

The class considered her as an eerie fellow, which was a natural understanding; Haruhiko never respond totheir harassments which they knew they were cruel ―They knew!― and never gave tit for tat for them.Generally speaking, the principal factor of an end of the concern came from their boredoms of being that she waswithout any response for their treatments; on the other hand they felt another factor. They sensed the enigma andthe fear in the behavior by the victim.

Since then Haruhiko got comfortable days. No one made moles on her upper arm, gave aches, and plantedsuffering into the heart. She was inwardly surprised with the peaceful days produced by the rejection and soonafterward she enjoyed the quiet routines exhaustively. The consolatory time seemed for her to be the happiest inthe life.

During the elementary age, Haruhiko felt happy very much. Because she had been able to keep what shewas. So matured what was Haruhi, and did some actions in order to become real Haruhi; she bought women'scloths and cosmetics such as a toilet lotion, a foundation cream, an eye shadow, an eyebrow pencil and so on,at internet shopping. She also fitted a lock on a door separating her private from dirty eyes so that enjoyed girlishdressing in the room.

Her voice breaking at puberty, Haruhiko trained herself everyday to keep high-tone girl-like voice, shaved allbody hair, welling up from skin, containing armpit, leg and pubic hair. Fortunately she had thin body hairs and didn'thave a hard time removing symbols of male. She also didn't own the voice as deep as ordinary men had. For thatpurpose the person could utter clear reedy sound without severe practice; of cause did a little exercise.

In a junior high school days, Haruhiko kept silent; she didn't belong to any club activities, became a pupil incharge of books every year, always visited a school library whenever she could snatch a moment and spent thetime in reading.

Haruhiko was alone every time. No classmates approached her and tried to talk; at first days, some curiouspeople attempted to address, but gradually they gave up doing, because of the apathetic brusque attitude. Eventeachers were difficult to contact her, for she answered or replied as minimum as necessary to them when shewas forced to do so, usually kept aloof from, and was very and very superior. In almost all class she did otherthings such as reading literatures and specialist works of linguistics or differential calculus or cultural anthropology,or writing something unrelated with the class. Some of them regarded her as a huge problem. If so, why couldn'tthey say attention strongly or stronger? Answer: She was the highest achiever in the grade, all grades. Not onlythe school, but she was the best performer in the national-wide mock examination when she was seventh grade.She got a higher score than ninth-grade pupils! The wondrous brain was beyond the ordinal teachers' intelligence so that they couldn't throw words to her. Thus she got an ideal situation of being that nobody interfered with her.

But a trouble occurred when she was eighth grade. The serious problem was located in the library inSeptember twenty third. Haruhiko was there at the day; that's her routine evidently. She remained usually withinschool bounds after school, especially within the library and devoted herself to read books until some personclaimed to go back home.

Haruhiko was reading a Stendhal and heard two noises of a door. Somebody come in, the sounds taughther an intruder into her sanctuary, made her have a sigh. She was suffused with displeasure.

Heard a voice, "Excuse me?" and turned her head with frowning. Showing unwell feeling on the face,especially on the middle of the forehead, she glared at the door and found a boy, who was on the studentuniform in disarrayed garb. The student who had single eyelids, small and sleek face, and cropped hair.

Something within Haruhiko burst in pieces. She had never known a man as radiant as the man in her library; hewas different, she thought, than other men she had ever seen. Couldn't figure out what was the point differing toothers, but indeed understood he was something unlike. The sixth sense of the wild. Something feral called forHaruhiko, stand in his way, shake his hands, have a chat, swipe his warmth from him!

Haruhiko was astonished at the internal voice and dropped the book before she knew. The spine of the bookhit a table and made a big sound, echoing through the room, making her startle. Looking at the book, she sawcharacters on a spread lost their shape to a pulp, but once rubbed the eyes, found the characters remained.

Haruhiko could hardly cast a word to him. The student asked about the existence of a representative of hereso that she answered she was the person and did a procedure, as he told to, of returning borrowed books. Shesaid only "name" and "class", and then received a book, which was by Mary Norton.

Haruhiko had kept the book in her breast while he left the room, after his saying thanks to her. She held thebook closely and found warmth there. You stole the warmth! The inner voice sounded together in her body. Shelooked down the fading warmth and noticed that her hand had been stuck fast to.

Haruhiko was aware of herself wanting a trace of his touching.I want the warmth; I want somethingoccurred especially by him, I want him.Welling-up feeling went on a wild rampage within the library person onduty.

Haruhiko suffered from the feeling; she intuitively knew that desire was love, which was described in novelsentertaining her. But beyond the love were her stance, hating human being and being alone and doing everythingfor herself by herself. She maintained her life by denying existences of other people, as if there were human-shaped aliens, who had no human-like logics and were disable to speak human language such as her, not peopleas same as. But now, she saw the first creature not being the alien: the boy.

No, that's wrong. Haruhiko had ever seen many people not being the alien; she had been surrounded by themand been buried into the ocean of the hateful beings. She wished for, while she escaped her notice, a person ofencompassing the lone wolf using big and full-warm arm. The person was one of the loathsome aggregate: theenemy for her.

This discovery made Haruhiko confuse and made teach the thing that she thought she understood the best; itwas solitude, especially the fear of loneliness, which she hadn't notice. It was very scary shocking for her to find aperson, in her inward, of being frightened that there was nothing to recognize her around her.No, I'm not scaredto be alone; I'd rather love loneliness, are you?She spoke the inquiry out of her mouth, and then, foundthat she had asked the question to other somebody.

Haruhiko covered her head with arms and squatted down; she was surprised at her voice. The wordsremained in her ears, so that the stray sheep put hands over the ears and tried to shut them out, and the defensewas in a sense effective but in other sense ineffective; indeed nothing came into the ears, and yet the words wereechoed, within the body, the heart.

Then, Haruhiko gradually reached a situation of being that had a shadowy notion of what was the warmth ofother people, and, on the other side, had the conventional one, which was contradictive and they make her pushinto a spiral of suffering, deeper, deeper, deeper.

Haruhiko thought;what should I do so as to break the suffering?The question was her major toughproblem during the rest of junior-high ages. A solution she thought required a new world, without people whoknew her, like the parents or the students. Thus she looked for a boarding high school located faraway from thelocal. But only that was not enough. What required to the school was a comprehension: it should admit that therewas a person being girlish mind but boyish body and that was Haruhiko.

Haruhiko wrote many letters to tell her agony and want them to help. Almost all school sent her no replyletters but a school, which the only school having the understanding was the school where Haruhiko nowbelonged to. It dealt with her with tenderest care; most of her demands ware accepted, to keep secret of theletter, to make an opportunity of take the examination, to guarantee her identity. At the same time, the schoolrequested terms and she had to approve the words: to register her sex as male, to offer a dormitory for boys atleast in the first year, to refrain from wearing extreme-girlish costume like skirts or one-piece dress and strive to beon boyish-girl cloths for the time being. At the end of the reply, the school promised that it made enormous effortsto make students understand about the sexual minority.

But the promise was not done, at least Haruhiko had felt. She had never had a class specialized in sexualminorities, also students. The school hadn't given them the opportunities of touching the reality, even made effortsto.

Since enrolling, Haruhiko had been gradually poured her frustration. She couldn't expect it to liberate herselffreely, thus tried to do so by herself, in order to set her free from the bonds and, not only that, to protest to theschool.

When I met her at a garden in the school domain, Haruhiko who was my classmate was sitting on a benchfacing a simple fountain standing two Manikin Pisses, with a book reading. I found her at the first glance Haruhikoand was surprised with her; I mistook the boy for a girl. Of course wearing the women cloths was the one of thereasons, but the most astonish thing was her feminine. She was too beautiful and pretty, rather than strong andcool, to regard her as he.

I and Haruhiko had a short talk about the book, which was one of be-in fictions, and then I listened to thestory. While telling, she kept gazes down to the ground paved with bricks and put the words out of the mouthnarrowly opening. She threw them carefully, choosing the most suitable expressions from her words basket,enduring the pain by outputting the tale from her lips.

Her life was miserable for me; because, I guessed, what she had been or done oozed out of her remark.From my eyes something dropped out but I couldn't stop the drops, in spite of being that she had no waterdropson the eyes.

"First I relied on the environment," said Haruhiko, "I've believed my surrounding... un... this school didsomething for me. But found it wrong. No one help me. It's not surprising; I have no supporters. Here there arefew people knowing what I am."

Haruhiko spoke in even and philosophical tone. The voice also implied a kind of resignation. I realized, at thattime, Haruhiko lost tears to tear from the eyes in order to show the emotion.